Desk Jokes / Recent Jokes

1 Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2 Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss–and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus more...

A little kid is walking down the footpath with a flat frog tied to a peice of string. He walks into the Brothel and walks to the front desk and says "i would like to have sex with your disesed woman please." the lady at the desk says "why do you want to do that?"
the boy said "if i have sex with her i will get the disease then i will go home and the baby sitter will have sex with me and when dad takes the baby sitter home hes going to bonk her brains out then when he comes back he will have sex with my mum and when dad goes to work in the morning mum will have sex with the milk man and i hope the milkman dies from that disease because he is the on who ran over my bloody frog!!!

Late one night, many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was
stranded at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit
Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The
hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do
not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I
converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was
Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a
little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said more...

One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber's desk. A republican walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The republican thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a self help book on his desk. A democrat walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but barber says, "I'm doing free haircuts this week." The next day, there are 20 democrats at the door waiting for a free haircut.

The job security quiz will help judge how long you`ll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you`re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you`ve finished the level.

There`s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who`s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, more...

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem."The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says."Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password.""Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit
under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the
first day of the term, still with the cast under his
shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he
opened the window as wide as possible and then busied
himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit
unruly and he admonished them.
This happened several times. When he could do work at
his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his
tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and
rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of
unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he
stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and
stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.