Died Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem? ”
“My mother died in August, ” he said, “and left me $25, 000. ”
“Gee, that’s tough, ” he replied.
“Then in September, ” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90, 000. ”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed. ”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15, 000. ”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad. ”
“Then this month, ” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing! ”

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M." The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece. The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died.' 57 Chevy truck for sale."

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do."No laundry" the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog.""But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing."Oh, he died," the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."The boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.""Oh, What was more...

An old italian man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to more...

Last week, I went on vacation to visit my aunt on her farm. On the first day, one of her chickens died so we had chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died so we had pork for dinner.

On the third day, her husband died so I left before dinner.

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time. Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim. Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms. Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poison mushrooms. Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck. Jim: I see, an accident. Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

She married and had 6 children.

Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 3 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."