Dieting Jokes

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

In dieting news, Monica Lewinsky is the new spokes-model for the Jenny Craig dieting system. Pictures are being shown of a pre- and post-Jenny Craig Monica.
A second round of advertising will be showing her dress, before and after the dry-cleaning. I don't know what the ad slogan is going to be for this particular campaign, but I suspect that it will not be as tasteless as it should be.
Monica's Jenny Craig diet tip #1: Taste, but don't swallow.
Tip#2: If you can't remember the name of the President, don't worry as it is on the tip of your tongue.
Tip#3: As you go down, so will your weight.
Tip#4: There are other choices, the only thing you shouldn't blow is your diet.
And finally tip#5: Don't be a sucker for other diet plans, go to Jenny Craig.
I guess it is the lure of money that brought Monica to Jenny Craig... She is already known for keeping up with the Johnsons, so it is time to keep up with the Jones.
(c)2000 The Reverend Shayne Dark

DIETING
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" to which the man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all more...

New rules for dieting!
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of more...