Distance Jokes / Recent Jokes

Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls any longer! Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?" Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglassesin the distance? Nothing. He doesn't recognize them. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?" Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What is the difference between en elephant and a plum? An elephant is grey. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?" Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship

14. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.

13. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while "Love the One You're With" plays in the background.

12. Every time you hang up, you know she's *69ing someone.

11. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.

9. Now that MCI has placed an account executive in your apartment, you're constantly being chided for "holding back" when expressing your feelings.

8. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.

7. You need an alarm clock without his "morning appendage" poking you in the back at 6AM.

6. It doesn't matter who visits whom,*someone* is violating their parole.

5. That "You hang up first," "No, YOU hang up first" crap is really only more...

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8. 5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. more...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8. 5 inches. That's an
exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the
same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs
and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other
spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the
spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by
Imperial Rome for the benefit more...