Dogs Jokes / Recent Jokes

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. more...

Four union members were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was a member of the Vehicle Builders Union who said that his dog could do maths calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with cunsumate ease.

The Amalgamated Metal Workers Union member said he thought his dog was much better. His dog, named "Slide Rule", was told to fetch a dozen biscuits and divide them into four piles which Slide Rule did without problem.

The Liquor Trades members admitted that both were quite good but he felt his dog could out perform them. His dog named "Measure" was told to go and get a stubby of beer and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this without a flaw.

They turned to the Waterside Workers Union member and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Waterside Worker called his dog, more...

You understand a lot of Tagalog, but can hardly speak it. Make fun of your parents' accents. As a child, you were totally embarrassed to eat spaghetti with sliced hot dogs in it. Now, there is absolutely no way you will eat spaghetti without the hot dogs. In fact, you suggest to your non-Filipino friends that hot dogs make spaghetti taste better. As a child, you hated being Filipino. Now, you wear Pinoy Pride T-shirts. You still wear Tsinelas (slippers). You still take off your shoes when entering a house. (Southern California) You've ever lived in Baldwin Park, Carson, Cerritos, the ghetto part of L. A., West Covina, Walnut or Diamond Bar. (Northern California) You've ever lived in Union City. You don't steal things (e. g., towels, soaps, tissues, cups) from hotel rooms like your parents did. And when you do take things, you deny that the action is not a Filipino trait. You don't care if a T-shirt was made in the Philippines or the USA. As long as it has a designer label on it, more...

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

I Lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dogs behinds - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Greet each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all bad
She fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

LEASH:
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A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED:
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Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:
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Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF:
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A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.
GARBAGE CAN:
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A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine more...

Why do they sell hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?