Done Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was New Year's Eve. .. by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar." I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble." The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit. "Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home." The drunk protests... "N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...""Tell you what," the bartender says. "You got any 20 dollar bills on you?" The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies... "Y-yeah, I got a few...." The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. "There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what more...

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind. Either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking
very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip
stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking
exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just more...

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.' Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: One - she holds the lightbulb in the socket, stands still and lets the world revolve around her.
A2: 1,000 - One to do it and 999 to say "*I* could have done it *better*..."
A3: Two - One to do it, and one to push the ladder out from under her.
A4: Three. One to do it, her understudy, and one to say she could have done it better.

1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. It's probably just a rash.
5. Are you sure the power is off?
6. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
7. Pull the pin and count to what?
8. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
9. I wonder where the mother bear is.
10. I've seen this done on TV.
11. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
12. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
13. Let it down slowly.
14. It's strong enough for both of us.
15. This doesn't taste right.
16. I can make this light before it changes.
17. Nice doggie.
18. I can do that with my eyes closed.
19. I've done this before.
20. What duck?
21. Well, we've made it this far.
22. That's odd.
23. Don't be so superstitious.
24. Now watch this
25. Like I never heard that before.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You more...