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What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife?
The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?"
Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!"
And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige."

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which more...

INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY
"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."
"I need you"
"My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys"
"I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it."
"3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
"She's kinda cute."
"I want to have sex with her till I am blue."
"I don't know if I like her"
"She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much"
"I am so horny that my more...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.The first man had married a woman from Kansas and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.The second man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes were done and she had a huge dinner on the table.The third man had married a West Virginia girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second more...

There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary
''Haven't I seen you before?'' = ''Nice ass.''
''I'm a Romantic.'' = ''I'm poor.''
''I need you.'' = ''My hand is tired.''
''I am different from all the other guys.'' = ''I am not circumcised.''
''I want a commitment.'' = ''I'm sick of masturbation.''
''You're the only girl I've ever cared about.'' = ''You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.''
''I really want to get to know you better.'' = ''So I can tell my friends about it.''
''It's just orange juice, try it.'' = ''3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.''
''She's kinda cute.'' = ''I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.''
''I don't know if I like her.'' = ''She won't sleep with me.''
''I miss you so much.'' = ''I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.''
''Was it good for you?'' = ''I'm insecure about my manhood.''
''How do I compare with all your other more...

One day this man was gonna shoot his bee-bee gun, but first he had
to make a cake for his sons. Finally he was done, and the boys
came down to eat the cake. When they were done they went back
upstairs to play. Just before the father was about to go outside
the youngest son came down and said,"Dad, I'm pissing out bee-bees!"
The dad said,"That's alright." The son went back upstairs. The
middle son came down and again said I'm pisssing out bee-bees!
Again the dad replied, That's alright. Then the oldest son came
and the father said, "I know, I know, you're pissing out bee-bees."
No, I was playing with myself and shot the dog.