Doors Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing football - see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Sex and Candy."
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares." and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While more...

One day Mahathir, Netanyahu and Ghandi were in Geneva discussing the role of muslims in today's society. On the way back to their hotel, their car broke down in the wilderness and the closest sign of life was a small hut in the distance. They went in and asked the farmer whether they would be able to spend the night there. The farmer said,' It's okay with me, but I only have 2 other beds. Someone has to sleep in the barn with the animals.' Netanyahu immediately said,' We Israelis are used to sleeping in barns, I will go there.' and so they all settled into bed for a good nights' rest. Before 5 minutes were up, Netanyahu knocked on the bedroom doors and said,' I can't sleep in the barn, there's a pig there and it is un-kosher to be near it.' So, Ghandi decided to sleep in the barn. Before long, Ghandi came back and said,' I can't sleep in the barn, there's a cow there and it is sacrilegious to sleep near a sacred animal.' So, Mahathir had no choice but to sleep in the barn. Almost more...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had more...

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender more...

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. One word: more...

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men.. put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Most Men.. pretend you`re not there when their moms call.

Real Men.. claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.

Most Men.. claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men.. know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Most Men.. are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men.. really know how to make you relax.

Most Men... really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men.. read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Most Men.. read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men.. make a lot of money before they are 30.

Most Men.. make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men.. wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with more...

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks more...