Double Jokes / Recent Jokes

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
- Jogging home from your own vasectomy
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
- One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
- Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
- You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
- Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michael's new song?
- It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea more...

Why don't blondes double recipes? The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

"In English," the linguistics professor instructed his class, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

A man goes into a bar and tells the bartender to give him a double. Then he slams it down and takes a picture out of his pocket, looks at it for a moment, then puts it back. He then asks the bartender for another double. He drinks it, looks at the picture, puts it back, and asks for another drink.
This time, the bartender is overcome by curiosity. "What's that a picture of?" the bartender asks.
"It's a picture of my wife," the man slurs, "and when she finally starts looking good I'll go home!

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm more...

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he? d had enough.
The bartender said, “I? ve got to ask you. What? s with the pocket business? ”
“Oh, ” said the man, “I have my lawyer? s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I? ve had enough. ”

When six year old little Susie got home from school she told her mother, "Mommy, one of the boys in my class asked me to play doctor today."
"Oh dear," the mother said nervously, "what happened?"
"Nothing much. He made me wait for an hour and then double billed the insurance company."