Dressed Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d oors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the more...
A well dressed gentleman hurrying along the road was stopped by an acquaintance.' My friend,' said the accoster, sotto voice, i must draw your attention to the fact that your fly buttons are undone.'
'I know,' replied the well dressed man, brushing aside his acquaintance, i am on my way to the income tax office to make a voluntary disclosure.'
Once Santa Went In An Electronic Shop And Asked The Price Of A T. V. The Shopkeeper Said That He Doesn't Sell Things To Sardars. Santa Became Angry And The Next Day He Came Dressed Like A Muslim And Asked The Rate Of T. V, But He Was Told Again That They Don't Sell Things To Sardars. He Became Very Angry And The Next Day He Shaved Off His Head And Came Into The Shop Dressed Like A South Indian. But Once Again He Was Told The Same.
He Asked The Shopkeeper That How Did He Recognise Him Everyday.
The Shopkeeper Replied That Because It Was An Oven Instead Of A T. V.
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters II
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act
Research shows that the greatest fear held by 93.75% of all men is not death, but castration; Remove that fear at an early age! go fearless into manhood!
Everyone knows that pre-pubic boys have the most beautiful singing voice (*); preserve that beautiful voice forever. Share the wisdom of the Vatican, who kept choirs of castrati for centuries before modern prejudices forbad them.
Have a castrectomy now and save the bother of a vasectomy (and possibly a reverse-vasectomy) later; the sooner and younger it is done, the least cost and embarassment; no need for condoms or the male pill; no danger of venereal diseases and reduced danger of aids.
Eliminate the temptations of extra-marital affairs and flings which can bring nothing but unhappiness in the long run.
You will never, ever, be accused of rape; what can't speak, can't lie.
Have no fears about being called a lousy lover by your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend.
Play vigorous sports such as soccer without fear; more...
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. more...
How to Tell if You're a Grinch
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each more...