Drugs Jokes / Recent Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop.Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs.Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm just driving this way to tick you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Received from William Conway.

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.
"What are you selling?" I asked.
"Geometrical algebra drugs."
"Huh!?"
"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."
"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."
"Go on..."
"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.
"What are those, then?" I asked.
"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed."
"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear more...

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you togo out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: _ / O _ /and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs more...

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man, wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street, into a damp dark alley. I followed.
"What are you selling?" I asked.
"Geometrical algebra drugs."
"Huh!?"
"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."
"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."
"Go on..."
"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.
"What are those, then?" I asked.
"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed."
"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear more...

Natalie Cole, in response to Amy Winehouse's multiple Grammy win, said that Ms. Winehouse shouldn't have won due to her recent struggle with drugs. "...you don't get to just do your drugs and go onstage and get rewarded." If the Grammy voters based their vote on what Ms. Cole’s logic and only gave awards to musicians who never did drugs, Pat Boone would have swept every category from 1955… and that ain’t right.