Drunken Jokes / Recent Jokes

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. ”
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. 00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it. ” The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. ”
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37. 00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it. ”
The bartender can’t believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57. 00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67. 00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the more...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the bears. "The bears are actually intoxicated up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover can be cross as a bear.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. Not a chance says the husband - It’s three o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was it? asks his wife. Just a drunken stranger asking for a push he answers. Did you help him? she asks. NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out! Well, you’ve got a short memory says his wife. Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: Hello, are you still there? Yes, comes the answer. Do you still want a push? calls out the husband. Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark. Where are you? asks the husband. Over here, on the swing the drunk more...

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual more...

17 percent of all car-crashes are caused by drunken drivers. So 83 percent of all crashes are caused by not-drunken drivers.
Why can't this sober guys stay off the streets and help us increase the safety of our car-traffic by mor than 400 percent?