Drunken Jokes

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said, "Would you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I would," she replied, "but, go ahead. I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK, here goes," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Cool!" replied the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!"

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

17 percent of all car-crashes are caused by drunken drivers. So 83 percent of all crashes are caused by not-drunken drivers.
Why can't this sober guys stay off the streets and help us increase the safety of our car-traffic by mor than 400 percent?

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." "So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk. "Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "Ive got to take you in, sir. Youre obviously drunk"The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure Im drunk?""Yeah, buddy, Im sure," said the copper. "Lets go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "Thats a relief - I thought I was a cripple."