Dump Jokes / Recent Jokes

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bringback more than you took.

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. more...

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Change $ 20. 00
Coffee 1. 00
Total $ 21. 00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50. 00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it
back to be recycled, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and more...

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it more...

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

The Ghost Shit-
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but
there's no shit in the bowl.
The Clean Shit-
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
theres
no shit on the toilet paper.

The Wet Shit-
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end
up
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
ruin
them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Shit-
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt
cheeks
get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Liquid Shit-
That's the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your arse,
splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time
burning
your tender anus.

The Mexican Food Shit-
In a class of it's own.

The Marketing Shit-
A turd which is more...

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring
back more than you took.