Dust Jokes / Recent Jokes

THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days-much less 30 minutes-employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP more...

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.BABY:1. Dad, when he gets a cold.2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.COOK:1. Act of preparing food for consumption.2. Mom's other name.COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy more...

The gene pool could use a little chlorine."All generalizations are false."Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."I love cats...they taste just like chicken"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."Seen on an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.""Born Free... Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.""REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""All men are Idiots, and I married their more...

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with
a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions
Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim
an ecological exemption. 3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
5 and leave it alone. 4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points
out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?" 5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes
when you more...

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around. He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!" The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, "I'm a Lark and I've been sparked" The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off. The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says "I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!"