Duty Jokes / Recent Jokes

*** Real courtroom transcipts... courtesy of real idiots. ***( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region. Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O. K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did! Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.

Although scheduled for all-night duty at the station, a police officer was relieved of duty early and arrived home at 3AM, a few hours ahead of schedule.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, quietly crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed when his sleepy wife sat up and said, "Sweetheart, I have a horrible headache. Would you mind getting me some aspirin from the all-night drug store?"
"Sure, honey," he replied. Feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
When he entered, the pharmacist looked up in surprise and asked, "Hey, aren't you Office Fields?"
"Yes, I am," replied the officer.
"Then why are you wearing the Fire Chief's uniform?" the druggist asked.

In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. (As if being sprayed weren't enough of a deterrent.)A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. It is illegal to sleep naked. All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts. Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. All bathtubs must have feet. Hibbing: It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat. Minneapolis: Red cars can not drive down Lake Street St. Cloud: Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. Virginia: You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street.

A police man was on duty one night and he headed up to "Make out Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the act. When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a couple sat, and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl next to him was knitting. He tapped on the window and said he was with the police department then asked how old he was and the guy said, "I'm 22 sir." "Well how old is she?" the officer then asked. Looking at his watch the guy replied, "She'll be 18 in about 6 minutes."

*** Real courtroom transcipts... courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O. K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. more...

The government of Sri Lanka is now hiring MP s for the next parliament.
Salary: Rs 22100/- per month
Other allowances: ( legal)
1 Entertainment Rs 1000/- per month
2 Fuel allowance Rs 7500/- per month
3 Cell phone allowance Rs 2000/- month
4 Attending parliament Rs 4000/- per month
5 Driver's allowance Rs 3500/- per month (can use
more than one driver)
Other benefits:
1 Telephone with international connection
2 Photo copier at duty free rate ( Rs 685/-) monthly.
3 Computer at duty free rate ( Rs 1150/-)monthly.
4 Typewriter at duty free rate ( Rs 425/-) monthly.
5 Permit to import a luxury car valued at 30000 Us $
6 After 5 years another permit to import a luxury car
7 MPs those who selected are living 25 miles from
Colombo are entitled 2 story house with 3 bed rooms and other facilities ( Rs 1000 will be charged per month as rent)
Other previlages:
food at low cost from parliament more...

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there? ”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler. ”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield. ”
The general said, “Drive on! ”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker. ”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on! ”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver? ”