Efficiency Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table.
As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with
his
elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places
it on the table.
The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, "Do all the
waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The waiter answers, "We had an efficiency expert evaluate our
operation and he determined that 25 percent of the customers knock the
spoon off their tables, and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we
save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient."
Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarks to another waiter,
"Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter answered, "The efficiency expert determined that we were
spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the
bathroom, so the more...
From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert`s Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any more...
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Please DO NOT to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,' Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they are less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
General more...
A girl who was appearing in B. Ed, got married. The result of B. Ed, was declared when she was in her in-laws house. She had secured the first position and in her excitement she sent a telegram to her father.
SUCCESSFUL IN B. ED
Due to the efficiency of the telegraph department, the father got the telegram as: SUCCESSFUL IN BED
These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers). "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer." "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching." "A room temperature IQ." "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." "A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." "A prime candidate for natural deselection." "Bright as Alaska in December." "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests." "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." "Fell out of the family tree." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." "He's so dense, light bends around him." "If brains were taxed, more...