Eight Jokes / Recent Jokes

Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December more...

Legalese Night Before Christmas*



THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese (Author unknown)



Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.



A variety of foot apparel, e. g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said more...

On the first day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the third day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the more...

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.The blonde thought a bit and then finally said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."

What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.