Else Jokes / Recent Jokes

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs,
however, will require some work.There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings.Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you more...

Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below). If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers). Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i. e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide. In a chase, the more...

Legend has it that football great Bronco Nagurski opened a gas station upon retirement from the NFL.
A visitor to town asked whether or not he was successful.
"Once someone gets gas from Bronco, they never go anyplace else", a local told him.
"Is the service that good?" asked the visitor.
"No, not really." said the local.
"Does he have the best price?"
"About the same as everybody else."
"Then the gas must be better."
"No, it's just regular gas."
"Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronco?"
"Because when Bronco Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but Bronco Nagurski can get it back off."

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just more...

It was a fact that LBJ would, on occasion, personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one such time, he is said to have called TBS (The Basic School) at Marine Corps Base, Quantico, VA and the conversation went like this (jsut remember, you're reading this on the Internet...):

TBS: Good afternoon, this is The Basic School. How can I help you?

LBJ: This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send out two lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters.

TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Is that all?

LBJ: I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good looking.

TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good looking lieutenants, dress uniforms, next Saturday evening. Is there anything else?

LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old time democrat and Texan). Yeah, don't send any damn' Mexicans!

TBS: No sir, Mr.President, no damn Mexicans. Will there be more...

Cool Bumper Stickers-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. -Horn broken, watch for finger. -My kid had sex with your honor student. -If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished. -I. R. S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. -Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole. -I'm just driving this way to piss you off. -Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -Keep honking, I'm reloading. -Hang up and drive. -Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. -Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. -If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? -Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers. -I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. -We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. -Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! -Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot. -I'm more...

In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you more...