England Jokes / Recent Jokes

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted."You must mean the lift," he said."No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.""Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts"."Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator.""Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

One day a man in the navy was walking around when he noticed a beautiful woman standing on the Brooklyn Bridge getting ready to plunge to her death. As he walked toward her he could see she had been crying. He asked her what had happened to make her want to kill herself.
The woman said that she had lost everything and she had nothing to live for.
The man said I am being shipped out tomorrow, why don't you come with to England and make a new start. He said he could hide her on the boat, and feed you every night, and in return you can give me sex. The woman agreed.
The next morning he hid her on the boat in a room with the life jackets. Every night he would bring a sandwich and after she ate they would screw.
After about two weeks the captain was making his rounds and found her. He said what are you doing here?
She explained about the man, and told the captain for a trip to England and food I screw every night.
The captain laughed and said you got screwed more...

This anecdote is about two Indians settled in England. One had been living there for some years and had picked up some of their quaint euphemisms. The other, a recent settler, was as yet unaware of them. They were invited for dinner by their English friends. After they had had their drinks, their hostess asked them,' Would you like a wash before I serve dinner?'
The knowledgeable one replied,' No thanks.' The new settler replied, i washed my hands before I came.'
On their way back after dinner, the older settler admonished his friend,' My dear chap, in England "would you like a wash" does not mean "would you like to wash your hands". It is a polite way of asking, "would you like to urinate?"' The new settler made a mental note of it.
Some days later he was invited by another English friend and after he had had his drinks he was asked by his hostess:' Would you like a wash before I serve dinner?'
He replied promptly,' No, thank you, more...

Why aren’t the England football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can’t hold on to a lead!

If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my more...

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply? Paul gas coin!