Enjoy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ø If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they
call it Fed UPs?
Ø Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Ø If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby
oil come from?
Ø If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland
called holes?.... hehehehe......
Ø Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?.... OOpps.....
Ø Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Ø If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Ø Why is it called' a building', when it is already built?
Ø If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Ø If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
Ø If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Ø If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this? ??

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom northside condo. $800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, communing with Galian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear and albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of more...

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Forget the meaning of life...we're stuck on these questions!:
Do pediatricians play minature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.