Enough Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to acostume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings outa fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough." She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over yourshoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
*25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!*
1) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste! 2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 4) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12) I'll be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a more...
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December more...
This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.
"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker more...
Original List (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List. .. (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly-bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady-splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List. .. (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where more...
ARMY: A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, dumb enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.