Enough Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old....
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on more...

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off. Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough. Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hard ware store or the bathroom. Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Men are like..... placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like..... mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like..... bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly. Men are like..... more...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and more...

If you have a lot of chops and use them. . you play too many notes
If you don't have a lot of chops. . you don't play enough notes
If you're a high energy player. . you don't play with enough feeling
If you play with lots of feeling you're too sappy
If you like a fat round sound.. your sound is too fat
If you thin out your sound.. you're sound is too thin
If you play a lot of chordal solo's.. why does he play so many chords?
If you chord work is sparce.. he doesn't play enough chords.
If you use heavy strings.. why does he use such heavy strings?

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. "What seems to be the problem?" "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" "Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!" "Er. .. Why don't you take a lover?" "I have! I still don't get enough." "Take another lover." "I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" "Gosh, that's an anomaly." "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"