Entrance Jokes / Recent Jokes

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven...The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a more...

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV (basketball players only) Time Limit: 3 weeks *1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to A. build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? A. Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called? A. Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners9. Spell - Bush, Carter and Clinton.10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come more...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "Make the woman happy."
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played!
Life is so unfair...
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her Spring Fresh Extra Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
...you return with beer (-5)
You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
...and it is nothing (0)
....and it is something (+5)
... you hammer more...

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI more...

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.Missionary more...

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the more...

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
AGENT: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
PIZZA MAN: And where would you like them delivered?
AGENT: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
PIZZA MAN: The psychiatric hospital?
AGENT: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
PIZZA MAN: You're an FBI more...