Envelopes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Honey,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.'"
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her more...

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
5. On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
6. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read more...

A CEO of a troubled company was relieved of his duties at the Board of Directors meeting. When he returned to his office to collect his personal belongings, his replacement was bringing in his first boxload. Not wanting it to be an uncomfortable moment, the former CEO spoke.

"I have nothing against you. This has been a terrible period in my life, and I only wish you the best," he said. "Before I go, let me give you three envelopes. If things start to become really tough, open the first one. After that, you will be fine for awhile, then when it gets tougher, open the second..."

The new CEO thanked his predecessor, finished moving in and began to organize himself. A few months went by, he had made no progress, and was called into a meeting with the Board of Directors. He decided it was time to open the first envelope.

Written on a piece of paper was the advice, "Blame conditions on your predecessor." The man went to the more...

A new dean had just arrived at Modern University and thought she might well profit from a discussion with her predecessor who had recently resigned. During a lunncheon meeting she asked the former dean how he had managed crises. His response was to give her three envelopes with the instruction to open #1 with the first crisis, #2 with the second crisis, and #3 with the third crisis. She accepted the envelopes and the rest of the luncheon was spent on pleasantries.
Things went extremely well for her during the first six months. However, she then discovered a major problem in the budget: the year was only half over and it was clear that she was going to overspend her budget by 10%. The ruckus she caused by pulling funds back from departments, failing to keep commitments, etc., was such that she was facing her first major crisis. She opened envelope #1 to find that it stated "Blame the prior dean for poor planning." This she did, and the crisis was muted.
The next year more...

I just found this one on the web, too! Some peeps just have too much time on their hands, eh?
This story may or may not be true from experiences I may or may not have had with the IRS if I ever did even work for them.
During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, i've found several harmless ways to mess with them and receive no recourse.
Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If your very unfortunate more...

HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary)
Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special more...