Equipment Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here's the day's stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Rain dampened the rally.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale." Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in." Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and more...

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting more...

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed more...

When a utility company started moving its heavy equipment into the quiet suburban neighborhood, the local residents formed a protest committee and invited the offending firm's attorney to attend the committee's first meeting. Before the meeting could be called to order, however, the attorney decided to take the initiative and question each homeowner separately. Turning to a pretty widow on the committee, the lawyer said: "Now, as I understand it, the utility company is running its equipment around the clock, and the noise is disturbing your rest."
"What rest?" she interrupted. " You try spending a night in my bedroom. I promise you won't get a wink of sleep."
"Really, madam!" exclaimed another homeowner reproachfully. "If you're going to make offers like that, you might at least give the fellows from your own neighborhood first chance."

To: All university hospital nursing staff.
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.
Date: May 21,1997.
Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
Subway, KFC, Dominos, etc. before more...

(as submitted to www.dilbert.com)
I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to pack, then take two 70-pound boxes along to the airport. I checked them in, then sat on the plane for an hour before takeoff. Just after we were in the air, I realized that I left my car in front of the airport doors (loading zone).
I work for a TV news network. A co-worker left keys in our van at the airport. The van and $200,000 worth of equipment mysteriously vanished.
Flew to Hartford, arrived midnight. Rental car not reserved. Took a cab to hotel, room not reserved. Went to client next day. They were expecting someone else. My Pointy-Haired Boss had sent me by mistake. Flew home.
Trip to Microsoft labs in Redmond WA. Travel booked to Redmond Oregon, middle of nowhere. No car, no hotel, no MS lab!
When arriving at our hotel in Miami, PHB informs me that he has booked only one room for both of us. He says it's more cost effective that way.
The maid set off the fire sprinkler in my hotel more...