"New Hospital Cost-Cutting Measures" joke

To: All university hospital nursing staff.
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.
Date: May 21,1997.
Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
Subway, KFC, Dominos, etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will
be available in the patients rooms for this purpose as well as for other
calls the patients may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued
to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
exercise as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients
may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for
special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "From" line above, administration is assuming
groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the
sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc..
Engineering is being eliminated. This hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life "HOW TO..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment
on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one
volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but
if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as
you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accomodated by only performing
blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per
patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by
Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and
physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
they want extra copies. Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for
one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any
coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures forecast, T.U.Electric
has been asked to install individual meters in each patient's room,
office, etc. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and
appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor, Families,
patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nosocomical production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and
will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO's
formulary.