Eve Jokes / Recent Jokes

You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carollers away.

You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

Your favorite Christmas ornament depicts Santa Claus shooting a moon

Your favorite Christmas movie is "Jurassic Park".

Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.

You get your Christmas Tree from a rest stop at night.

You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.

Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, brandy, and bourbon

You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Your favorite Christmas tradition involves a bonfire and reindeer meat.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didnt have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didnt have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What’s the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What’s a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like more...

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.

One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Two nuns and a mother superior had a fatal accident and died and all three arrived at Heaven's door,
Saint Peter was at the entrance to greet the three nuns and mother superior introduced herself and the other two to saint Peter.
Saint Peter said,"well ladies we have a system here, you'll have to answer a question each before I can let you in"
Nuns and mother superior agreed.
Saint Peter asked the 1st nun "Who was the first man on earth?"
Nun said "adam",
saint Peter said, "You are in"
asked the 2nd nun "Who was the 1st woman on earth?"
nun said,"Eve".
St. Peter said," you are in".
Mother superior came forward, St Peter said "well you were holding a higher post and I will have to ask you a hard question"
"When Eve saw adam standing bollock nacked in front of Eve what did she tell him?"

Mother superior wanted to express the more...

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort! coming from one of his reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh! Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT! Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the more...

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,' 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered,' 'Yes, Lord, but what is a' kiss'?''

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said,' 'Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied,' 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said,' 'What is a' caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,' 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said,' 'You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked,' 'What is' make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but more...