Event Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you want to be America's premier "American Flatulator," you've got to have it... gas, that is. And if you're pumped up for the challenge, you'll have to let yourself go in a series of hilarious, explosive events that are sure to clear the air - and maybe the room - about who's really full of it. The events include:
POWER BALLOON
"American Flatulators" and the challengers face off in a rip-roaring, cheek-to-cheek competition designed to separate the big boomers from the little bags of wind. The object behind POWER BALLOON is that each contestant must fill a heavy gauge balloon with his or her own natural gas until the durable plastic sack becomes too pooped and pops. Each contestant uses their own unique technique to fill 'er up. Winner takes all! No ifs, and or butts.
DON'T PASS THE GAS
This contest demands real endurance. Opponents use giant Q-Tip like pugel sticks (as in Pee UUU) to try and knock the farts out of each other. The winner is the more...

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: "Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine." "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p lane immediately." "There may be 50 ways to leave your more...

Hi, kids! Hope you all had a good weekend. I know we did up here at the
North Pole, because the first weekend in December is traditionally time
when we hold the Reindeer Games.

Which, not entirely coincidentally, brings us to today's letter from
Peter, from Chicago, who asks:

Dear Santa:

One of the saddest stories at Christmas is how Rudolph, the red-nosed
reindeer, wasn't allowed to join in all the reindeer games. Rudolph
became a hero, but we never actually found out what sort of games are
reindeer games. What kinds of games are they?"

Well, Peter, there are reindeer games, and then there are The Reindeer
Games. It's the difference between playing softball in the park with
your buddies, and participating in the Olympics. Anyone can play
reindeer games any time they want (even if you're not really a
reindeer). But it takes a special sort of deer to have the drive to be
in the more...

Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, “Daddy fell into the well last week…” “My goodness! ” the teacher exclaimed. “Is he all right? ” “He must be, ” said the boy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday. ”

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, A lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard more...

Mission Statement
1. TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.(Ha !)
2. TO ALWAYS WORK TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. (( Hey I'm being serious here!))
3. IN THE EVENT OF POINT 2. NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY ‘ F### IT!
4. NEVER P##S OFF ANYONE WITH A HORMONAL IMBALANCE (I.E. Anyone on H.R.T., Men suffering from man-flu, big blokes on steroids, women.){{This point was added as a direct result of point 1.}}
5. NEVER FLY ON A PLANE WHERE THE PILOT IS ANY OF THE ABOVE.
6. TO HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY SORRY ( In the unlikely event that I'm wrong!!. If not say it anyway to any persons identified in point4.
7. NEVER.NEVER .NEVER. GO TO BED ON A ARGUMENT…..(Stay up and drink Jack Daniels instead!)
8. TREAT OTHERS AS THEY DESERVE TO BE TREATED(( Unless -of course- what they deserve is a good kick in the b#####ks))
9. UNDERSTAND THAT OTHERS DO NOT ALL SHARE YOUR VISION! (Especially when it comes to driving!!!)
10. Remember ‘ I AM GARY' (unless ive more...