Everybody Jokes / Recent Jokes

My brother's psychology professor, a Yankee's Yankee and a
feminist's feminist, tells the following story on herself to illustrate
that doctorates don't necessarily make you smart.
She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio.
It was about 10 am, and she'd been driving the entire preceding day and night
herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched
for a motel in which to crash.
A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser,
swaggered up to her driver's window, bent down, and drawled, "Lookie here,
darlin',"-uh oh, everybody duck-"Lookie here, darlin', nobody blows
through Georgia that fast."
Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: "Sherman did."
She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket;
he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and
wait at the police station more...

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool at the other.

2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage: It`s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
either".

6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water-power...

9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference more...

I got this message detailing a first day of class experience from a
friend of a friend. His name is Kevin Stone, and he goes to Clemson
University.
Just a friendly reminder-look for door numbers...
So I'm looking for a class in Newman Hall- actually, I was looking
for Newman Hall- and, I thought i'd found it. no sign- no main
entrance.
So I walk around the building and find what I perceive to be an acutal
door with and actual doorknob. So I opened it.
Inside was a room at least 150x50- maybe half a football field- maybe
more- black concrete- 20ft ceiling.
Two guys in white overcoats.
A cow. Upside-down with hooves pointing into the air.
On some type of cart.
A chainsaw.
They were as embarrased to see me as I was to see them.
Everybody stared at everybody else for about 6 sec. (except the cow,
who was not facing me.) And I shut the door.
"Not econ."
I wasn't more than 10ft away from the door when I more...

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "C. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the
pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change more...

Once Santa Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn`t laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss more...

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and
danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the Christmas Tree and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, you would more...

Santa was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
Santa, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly.
Santa looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. Santa, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Santa, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went more...