Exam Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph. D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know more...

Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure"
Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace"
You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning"
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
"Pre-natal vitamin" more...

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. Whats the answer to the last question?"Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.""Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tinys should er again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?""You are really dumb, Bubba. Thats so easy. Farm is more...

A not necessarily well-prepared college student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write?" He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer.
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.

The head psyciatrist at a mental institution is preparing to give three patients an exam. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. Should they fail, they will remain institutionaized for an additional five years.
The doctor leads the three patients to a diving board overlooking a pool that doesn't contain any water and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps off the board into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and ends up breaking both legs.
The third patient looks over the side of the board and flatly refuses to jump.
"Congratulations!" You are now a free man," says the doctor. "Just tell me why you wouldn't jump."
"I can't swim, doc," replies the third patient.

Two Michigan football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Ohio State game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, more...

Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records:
1. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
3. The patient refused an autopsy.
4. The patient has no past history of suicides.
5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
8. She is numb from her toes down.
9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
12. The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
13. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation