Excellent Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He
wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect,
got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this:
TOP 118 REASONS WHY TAMARA SHOULD GO OUT WITH ROB
~~~
His shoelaces are hardly ever untied
Doesn't pick his nose in public
Has never put a red shirt in with the whites
Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust
When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't
push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor
Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left?
Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures
of African gorillas
His cat seems to like him
Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now
Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug
Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked
Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons
He hardly ever slurps when drinking more...

Student: J. Christ Form: III Term: 1
SubjectGradeTeacher's Comment
ReligionD
To the question "Who made the world?" persisted in answering 'My
dad'. Claims bible originated from the same source.
EnglishD+
Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded
figures of speech.
History A
Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious History.
Geography C-
Assignment on 'Hot, dry lands' was excellent, but shows little
interest in the rest. In geology, keeps talking about the Rock of
Ages instead of the ages of Rock.
Social StudiesB+
Shows keen interest in social issues.
MathematicsF
Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about 'Three in one' and 'I and
the father are one'.
General ScienceD
Lacks disipline - e.g., when asked to repeat the experiment for
making hydrogen, claimed he knew a better way.
Graphic CommunicationD
Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand to pencil more...

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says:
" Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted: " I want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff …. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted:
" I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "
Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.
The boss calmly said: " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12. 30 pm. "
MORAL OF THE STORY: ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST

LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand," Listen," said more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven, ” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you. ”

“No problem, just let me in, ” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. ”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven”, replied the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of more...

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?""Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."