Exercise Jokes / Recent Jokes

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minorheart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. Thecardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'llbe the best thing you can do for your recovery."So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife whatthe doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."

Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates... Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM! Forrest (Homer)Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolateForrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine! Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE! Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate.. Next on' Forrest'Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the questionForrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilatedForrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolateForrest Zen - I am one with the chocolateForrest McClaine - I used to be a box of ChocolatesForrest Ventura - Chocolates.. Alll-Riighty then... Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolateForrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it? Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolateForrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolateForrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'nForrest Butler - Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolateForrest O'Hara - Tomorrow, is another box of more...

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats,
and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding
up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.
Q: Both my wife and my girlfriend say I should cut down on meat and
eat more fruits and vegetables.
A: They just don't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.
Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass. And a more...

What exercise is hard for Blackbeard? Pirate Pilates.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,' Where the hell is the ceiling?!'

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful, or should that be I'm strange and you're wonderful?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, more...

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts
of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment.
If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to
get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere,
anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press
tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who
favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be
damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out
of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this
exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and
so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from
unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're
certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when more...

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.
One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas.
Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions.
First, it was assumed that if the more...