Exit Jokes

In my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like' what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff...
"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."

"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."

"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're more...

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
Features:
User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. opens window asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer Arrives at destination presently. HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh airPulls up to a 7 -11 Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer Curses the night Curses you Curses the large slurpee Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel He had to more...

Dear Dog and/or Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking more...

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"
Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."
Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.
He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"
The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.
He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opnes the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.
He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just more...