"My Boss.........................!" joke

>? My Boss had a "stroke of genius" and it killed him.
>
>? My Boss recently fired a gay employee. He called it "canning the fruit".
>
>? My Boss is a famous inventor. He created "the fluke".
>
>? Whenever "it's" going to hit the fan, my Boss makes sure I'm right down
>front.
>
>? I work in the company kitchen. My Boss said "If you ever drop food on the
>floor, just put it in the microwave for a few seconds to kill the germs.
>Then go ahead and put it on plates for the customers."
>
>? My Boss was complaining about how much time I used to take my wife to the
>doctor for her leukemia treatments. He said "You're making too much of
>this. We are all going to die sometime. Make sure your career doesn't die
>first."
>
>? We recently moved into a new building that didn't have enough space for
>our cubicles. I was told my cubicle wouldn't be ready until after the Fire
>Marshall had inspected the building. Then we could erect my cubicle in
>front of the fire exit.
>
>? My Boss has written a series of management books. The titles are:
>Career Paths that Stifle the Optimistic Employee
>Writing Recommendation Letters that Stink
>How To Torture An Employee Before The Lay-Off
>Kicking Techniques For Employees You've Beaten Unconscious
>
>? My Boss said "Managing a department is not hard. Give the impossible
>projects to employees you hate. If it doesn't work you can fire them,
>that's always a joy. If it does work, you're a motivational genius and you
>get a hefty bonus. Could life get better?"
>
>? My Boss has been mentoring young talent for years. "Lucifer" was his first
>management trainee.
>
>? By the time my Boss needed to "circle the wagons", he didn't have enough
>allies to form a circle.
>
>? After confronting my Boss about the tension between us, he said "The
>problem is that there's a problem."
>
>? My Boss was very creative, but she lost her plug and now everything
>escapes through that gaping hole in her head.
>
>? My "Purchase Request" was ridiculed because it didn't follow the
>guidelines my Boss was planning to publish tomorrow.
>
>? When Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
>about themselves
>
>? On our way to lunch my Boss offered to drive. I said "Is that wise?" She
>said "Of course it is. My license is still good, it just expired."
>
>? After reviewing the research preliminary results, my Boss said "I know the
>data doesn't say what we want, yet. That's why its called raw data."
>
>? I needed two days off but I had no vacation time left. When I offered to
>work extras hours to offset this time my Boss said "Absolutely not. You are
>salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between
>the extra hours you are expected to work and the extra hours you want to
>work?"
>
>? I told my Boss I dreamed about running the company one day. He said
>"That's a manager's dream. Why did you have it?"
>
>? I asked my Boss for advice. He gave me a lethal dose of cynicism, mistrust
>and deception.
>
>? My Boss recently met with a group of MBA's and was appalled at how proud
>they were for attending B-schools. She later said "I wouldn't act so cocky
>if my school was rated B".
>
>? My Boss thinks "shareware" is a chic reference to "hand-me-down" clothes.
>
>? My Boss to MIS technician: "Remember, I'm just a novice at computers. I
>want to take it slow. When you pick my programs, make sure you get
>software. I don't think I'm ready for hardware, yet."
>
>? My Boss at early morning coffee: "I don't understand what the problem is
>at AOL. Can't they get call waiting".
>
>? My Boss decided he'd rather be called "King" than President of the
>company. As a result, he's now "The Royal Hiney".
>
>? My Boss has had a stellar career in computers. She mastered the "Mega
>Bite" as a management trainee.
>
>? My Boss refuses to use a computer. She frequently quips "I don't do
>windows".
>
>? Along with the Internet service providers, my company just announced a
>"flat rate plan" for its employees. Regardless of how much time you spend
>at work, you'll get the same flat rate. Guaranteed!
>
>? My Boss calls our one Black employee "Otis" even though that ISN'T his
>name.
>
>? Note from my Boss. In the future please proofread your work. I've noticed
>it's full of errorrs."
>
>? My Boss to other team member: "Look, I put you on my team to share your
>ideas, not the recognition."
>
>? My Boss, useless for years, is one of the few remaining signs of corporate
>welfare.
>
>? Doctor to my Boss: "Sorry, but "withdrawal" does not qualify as a disease
>that can be legally treated with marijuana."
>
>? Prayer may not be appropriate at school, but at my job all we do is pray,
>pray, pray the sales come marching in.
>
>? My Boss has an extremely good memory. That's because no space is allocated
>for thought.
>
>? My Boss recently laid off a large group of MTV-age employees. Since then
>he's been known as the "The MC of Misery".
>
>? We recently re-organized at work and added another group to our MIS
>department. Now accounting is MIS-managed too!
>
>? I never had a husband because I was married to my work. Now, after 25
>years some stranger tells me to expect "an involuntary separation without
>support payments."
>
>? The Management Committee was scheduled to meet next month to vote on a new
>benefits package. Before the meeting I cornered my Boss about his lack of
>interest in the opinions of his employees. He said "This benefits decision
>is a lot like a political election, if you can't vote you don't count. You
>can't vote."
>
>? In a very somber meeting of the department heads, my Boss turns to me and
>says "Isn't this layoff program really GREAT."
>
>? I used the reply function on my e-mail program to respond to a message
>from my Boss. Shortly after she got it, she called me. She said "You must
>come over right now and show me how to re-cycle e-mail messages."
>
>? My Boss says she's too busy for training on her new computer. To save time
>she took the tutorial CD with her so she could listen to it in the car.
>
>? Facial hair is not the norm in my office, but I wanted a mustache. Shortly
>after it started to grow my Boss asked me to cut it off. I said I would cut
>off mine if she agreed to cut off hers.
>
>? My Boss knows every fact in the world, except that he is an insufferable
>jerk.
>
>? I called my Boss to set-up a meeting to discuss my career. He said "You
>don't have a career. You have a job, just do it."
>
>? Our Executive Committee recently voted unanimously to abolish the Ethics
>Committee.
>
>? My Boss is the manager for a book superstore. Recently, at a large
>employee gathering, he bragged about all the books he had read. One of his
>favorites was Gulliver's Travels by Oliver Twist.
>
>? My Boss said "I know we all worked on this together and we voted on the
>most appropriate outcome. However, I feel I have a greater sense of
>ownership for this program and therefore I made the final decision for the
>group."
>
>? Boss to employee: I see you are familiar with the "My Boss" web site and
>you are drinking from a "My Boss" coffee cup. Are you trying to make some
>special statement today?
>Employee: No, I use this coffee cup EVERY day.
>
>? After watching my Boss at work, I'm certain somewhere in this world, there
>is a village missing its idiot.
>
>? At my job you are assigned a Boss and a mentor. Since I didn't have a
>mentor yet, I asked my Boss if he would by mine. He said "It could hurt my
>chances for advancement if people thought I was your mentor."
>
>? At the end of a long quality speech, my Boss said "We must pay great
>attention to every detail. Let's take a break and meet again tomorrow at 9
>o'clock in the afternoon.
>
>? My Boss thinks "megahertz" is an extremely large car rental place at the
>airport.
>
>? It was Saturday and my Boss was in the office. He called me at home to
>complain about the foot pedal on his computer. For some reason it wasn't
>working properly. I told him to move the foot pedal to his desk and put it
>on the pad next to the keyboard and roll it around. He said "Oh, this foot
>pedal is really versatile, isn't it?"
>
>? My Boss said "I don't want to ram-rod this decision down your throat, but
>open wide, please."
>
>? My Boss doesn't answer the phone when it rings. He says "Important people
>are busy and I'm important."
>
>? My Boss is very fat and very critical. Recently she said "You will never
>become Mr. Olympia unless you set that as your goal. I turned to her and
>said "Any exercise at all can be an admirable goal."
>
>? Quote from my Boss "Why is a win-win strategy important? Doesn't that mean
>I get less?"
>
>? My first child just started infant day care and I am a single parent. It
>is very important that I get to the day care on time, otherwise they levy
>very heavy late fees. After only 1 month of this new routine, my Boss of
>ten years put an "employee notice" in my file reprimanding me for being a
>"clock watcher".
>
>? Boss to employee "Look, if one plus one was always two, you wouldn't need
>managers like me."
>
>? After an hour of very frustrating technical discussions, which my Boss
>obviously didn't understand, we took a break. As he stood up, my Boss said
>"It would be a lot easier for me if you guys wouldn't talk "geek-onics".
>
>? Have you seen Fox TV's latest hit series. It's Beavis and My Boss.
>
>? Comments in an exit interview: "You know, I'm sorry that you quit. I
>really wanted to fire you".
>
>? Comment from my Boss during my performance evaluation: "Once in my career
>I didn't get along with my Boss either. BUT when he told me how it was
>affecting my performance, I immediately did a 360 degree turnaround. I
>expect the same from you."
>
>? My Boss has mentored my career into his Vice Presidency.
>
>? I thought my Boss was reading a computer manual until I got closer and I
>could read the fine print. The book title read: "A User's Guide, Management
>Principles for Success.
>
>? My Boss refuses to put a computer in her office -- until they're available
>in pastel colors.
>
>? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because his Boss did!!
>
>? Inspiring words from the Boss: "I encourage you to take chances in your
>research and development work, BUT don't risk my Bonus on some pipe dream."
>
>
>? Yesterday, my Boss asked "What role did Mr. U. R. El play in the early
>development of the Internet. I can't find any reference to him in the
>literature."
>
>? When I called in sick, my Boss said "Well, if you already threw up, you
>must be feeling better. What time should I expect you?"
>
>? Instructions from the Boss: "We have four, 15 inch computer monitors in
>storage. I want you to get the biggest one and put it in my office."
>
>? Comments during a business review meeting: "Look, we have a monopoly in
>that territory. Customer service isn't that important. Let them complain."
>
>? The design team was frustrated with their lack of progress and lack of
>direction from upper management. In response my Boss said "It's not
>important if you know what you're doing as long as you know you did
>something."
>
>? I was the manager of an extremely understaffed print shop. Everyone was
>going nuts trying to get the work done. Finally, my corporate Boss called
>and said he would be coming in for a week. I said "Great, what will you be
>doing? Bindery? Delivery? Running the press?" His reply was "No, I'm not
>coming to do any of those things. I'm coming to figure out why the work is
>not getting done."
>
>? In a meeting of the technical department, I told my Boss that one of our
>users was not on the network. Immediately he said "But I sent her an e-mail
>message. Oh, I guess she won't get it then, huh?"
>
>? We work in a major industrial plant and my Boss wanted a first aid kit.
>When he got the bill for $25 he said "I sure hope the union appreciates
>what lengths we go to for our employees."
>
>? My Boss asked "If I get extra memory in my computer, does that mean I
>wouldn't have to save documents anymore?"
>
>? Boss to new employee: "Haven't you worked for me before?"
>Employee: "No. That knife in my back belongs to my last Boss."
>
>? My Boss was sure he was going to get laid off, so he went and "told off"
>his Boss. He got fired instead. (No severance package.)
>
>? Comments during performance review: "You have done many things to annoy me
>this year, but I'm not going to tell you about the things I can't
>remember."
>
>? My Boss suffers from a career ending illness. He is light-headed.
>
>? Performance feedback from my Boss: "You are not getting the top rating
>because you have problems dealing with people who are known to be hard to
>work with."
>
>? My Boss' comment during a heated discussion: "You're entitled to your
>opinion, BUT you're not free to express it here."
>
>? My Boss insists that I use the title "Projects Manager" as opposed to the
>grammatically correct title "Project Manager." My Boss thinks potential
>clients may think we only have one project.
>
>? Instructions from my Boss: "I want your comments both orally and
>verbally."
>
>? When my first merit raise was approved, my Boss shouted to me from across
>the room, in front of three co-workers. He said the $1500/year increase was
>all he could finagle from his Boss.
>
>? Comment shouted across the room by the office manager. "When we hired you,
>there were lots of more qualified shipping clerks, but we didn't hire them
>because they were women".
>
>? My Boss left me a voice mail message suggesting I read her e-mail message.
>The e-mail message was an instruction to come up to her office. When I
>arrived at her office, she gave me the time and place for a future meeting.
>Why didn't she just say that in her messages?
>
>? My faithful dog of 15 years died last year and I took her to the vet to be
>cremated. After the cremation I went to work. When my Boss saw me he said
>"Couldn't you have buried that thing in the backyard?!"
>
>? Once I went to my Boss and told him I had a serious problem. He said, "You
>don't have a problem, you have an OPPORTUNITY!" I thought about it a second
>and then said, "You're right. If you don't solve my problem, I will have
>the OPPORTUNITY to slap you upside the head."
>
>? My Boss took an IQ test and the results were negative.
>
>? My Boss, the senior VP of Sales, called me into his office one day and
>asked me to locate his "turkey neck". "What" I said. He replied, "You know
>that thing that connects your computer to the network". Oh, the "TOKEN
>RING" I said. "Turkey neck, token ring -- just find it."
>
>? My Boss thinks "RAM disk" is an installation procedure.
>
>? A group of employees at my office were clustered around the coffee bar
>eating cake. My Boss told everyone who walked up, "This cake is better than
>sex." After the third or fourth time this happened in less than a minute
>one of the more senior employees said: "Would that be sex with you? "
>
>? My Boss asked me to write a letter for him. I presented a draft copy for
>his review, every sentence of which he marked-up with red ink. After
>watching this, I asked, "What did you think of the fonts?".
>
>? My Boss's Ph. D. dissertation was being funded by the company. Because he
>is essentially incompetent, he asked me to perform the calculations that
>were the core of his thesis. When I refused he got another subordinate to
>do the calculations - BUT he convinced the company to stop funding my
>Ph. D..
>
>? The company announced that on December 18 they would issue the "perfect
>attendance" checks for 1996. However, if anyone who received a check missed
>any of the days between the 18th and the end of the year, this would make
>them ineligible for the reward and they would have to return the money to
>the company. (The big question in all this -- why not wait until January
>1997 to make the "perfect attendance" awards for 1996.)
>
>Two rules from the "Top Ten Rules of Project Management":
>
>? If a subordinate asks you a pertinent and difficult question, look at him
>as if he has lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
>back at him. (Smirk intently.)
>
>? Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite
>statement and bury them with it.
>
>? Recently my Boss said," I know Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't
>the Foreman on that job"
>
>? Always remember the unofficial work motto: The reward for a job well done
>is. .. no punishment.
>
>? The other day I asked my new Boss for the day off, he said "Sure, you
>don't look too important."
>
>? In a recent mentoring meeting my Boss said "Lying is a fundamental
>business tool like Marketing or Finance. Learn to lie and it will serve you
>well".
>
>? What do you do with a co-worker who is rude, lazy and incompetent? Answer:
>Treat them with respect. Soon they will be the Boss.
>
>? My Boss hung this sign in each stall in the employee bathroom: While you
>are doing something for yourself on my time, think of something you can do
>for me on your time.
>
>? My Boss lost his temper the other day. Now he has no emotion.
>
>? As a group we complained to our Boss about the long hours and tedious
>work. He said "If work was fun, it would be free.
>
>? Boss to employee: "Even though our dress has gone casual, you must still
>refer to me as Mister".
>
>? My Boss recently ordered a computer with a fax/modem. After it arrived, he
>called me into his office to find the paper slot for faxing.
>
>? Our company recently set up two computer help lines. One for basic
>questions and the other for advanced questions. My Boss, who is completely
>computer illiterate, said "How does one know if their question is basic or
>advanced?" The MIS director said "If you can't program your VCR, call the
>basic help line".
>
>? My Boss forced me to put Netscape on his modem-less laptop, so that he
>could surf the' Net during his layovers at the airport.
>
>? My Boss requires applicants to take drug, AIDS and VD tests to qualify for
>his secretarial positions. I wonder why?
>
>? When I was managing a very large clothing store, my Boss restructured the
>commission plan so the employees would earn 3% less. She told me I needed
>to SELL the idea to the staff.
>
>? To improve morale my Boss suggested a weekend team building retreat for
>the department. Frankly, the thought of spending my weekend with the Boss
>and doing touchy, feely exercises, added depression to what was merely a
>case of job dissatisfaction.
>
>? If my Boss was a super hero, he'd be Polyester Man.
>
>? My Boss recently fired the advertising agency my company has used for the
>last 10 years. A new account executive asked her when she was "due". She's
>not pregnant.
>
>? Comment from CEO: "Advancement in this company is based entirely on merit.
>Its been that way since my grandfather bought the company."
>
>? My Boss thinks raising his voice improves the strength of his argument.
>
>? On his first trip overseas, my Boss assumed "Business Class" applied to
>him because he was "a member of management".
>
>? My Boss thinks an "extended" keyboard is for someone with "big" hands.
>
>? I know you didn't write the business plan, but I need a co-author in case
>management rejects it.
>
>? In response to recent complaints of favoritism, my Boss says "Fairness is
>applied in a fashion that I deem fair."
>
>? Excerpt from Boss' speech at awards dinner "Bonuses in my department are
>rewarded to team players who have demonstrated an appreciation for my
>leadership."
>
>? Comment from the Boss after a few pointed questions: "Your skepticism
>reflects a distrust for my management skills."
>
>?"As my last parting comment in this interview, you should never dress
>better than you boss. It shows you're not observant."
>
>? My Boss called me into his office to complain because he couldn't connect
>his Sony (audio) CD player to his computer and run his CD software. I said
>"Oh, only the Panasonic CD will do that."
>
>? My Boss does the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly.
>
>? A co-worker died in a gruesome car accident at 11: 00 AM. At 1 PM my Boss
>was taking things from the dead man's office to improve the appearance of
>his own.
>
>? After finishing a computerized report for one of our managers, our
>programming group received this response: "That's what I asked for, but
>it's not what I want."
>
>? The plant manager came up to me one day and asked "How much do you think
>the plant weighs??" I said "With or without the plant manager?"
>
>? It was very apparent that I had not fully recovered from my bout with the
>flu when my Boss came by my desk. He said "Oh, still got the flu. I was
>only sick for two days, I guess I'm stronger than you"! !!
>