Genius Jokes

A butcher is very busy working at the meat counter when he notices a dog in his shop. He shoos him away, but the dog returns a while later. He walks over to the dog and sees that he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and reads it, "Can I please have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb. The dog has money in his mouth as well."
The butcher looks in the dog's mouth and, sure enough, there's a ten dollar bill. He takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog walks down the street and comes to a crossing. He puts the bag down, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him.
The dog then comes to a bus stop and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at more...

Dave Barry says:
In the early days, different brands of computers used different operating systems, which meant that people switching from one computer to another would have to learn a completely new set of instructions. This was obviously inefficient, so in the early 1980s, most major computer
manufacturers agreed to stop forcing people to learn a bunch of different operating systems, and instead adopt a single, uniform, standardized operating system so absurdly non-intuitive that nobody could learn it. This system was called MS-DOS.
The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was started by the brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a very rich man today - Forbes Magazine estimates that he is worth more than the entire O. J. Simpson defence team combined - and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy involving cars. Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you more...

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too
damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it more...

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him
away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher
takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar
bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's
mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up
shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the
bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights
to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the more...

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.
In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.
"I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied casually. "I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."
"Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Dan Brock with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.
"Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though I'm right handed) sight with my right eye (even though the gun's in my left hand) and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I could win Harley whenever I want. Nothing's any fun unless more...