Explain Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends: If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its more...
Here is some funny, and supposedly true stories from travel agents.
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat on an airplane so their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is more...
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Many more...
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:
1. Describe your problem:
_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Locked Up
B. ___Frozen
C. ___Hung
D. ___Strange Smell
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about more...
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho
Nixon: Talked about more...
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more...
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water BedNixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold SoreNixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President was a geekNixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No differenceNixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece more...