Explain Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you more...
The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More.
Annoy People
1. Pay tolls with $100 bills
2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it
4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom
10. Chew other people's pencils
11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
12. Wear large hats during the movies
13. Touch strangers
14. Tell little children the truth about Santa more...
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I more...
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
1. 000000001.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.
"The change is 90% complete."
"It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working."
Of course, as more...
Computer Problem Report Form1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__9. Have you made it worse? Yes__10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__12. Have you more...
Two builders (Paddy and Shamus) are seated either side of table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a Guinness and sits on a stool at the bar.
So Paddy and Shamus start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Paddy: I reckon he's an accountant. Shamus: No bleedin way, he's a stockbroker. Paddy: He ain't no bleedin stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't be seen dead in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of Guinness gets the better of Paddy and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several Guinness get the better of the Paddy...
Paddy: Scuse me sir... no offence meant, but me and me mate Shamus were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Paddy: Oh! What's dat den? Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Paddy: Er .. mmm... well yeah, I do as it more...
Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark. Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?" she exclaimed.
"Honey, let me explain... " he pleaded.
"You sneaky swine!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interjected. "Perhaps you'd care to explain our two children!!"