Extra Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets re-elected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies.
If Bill out-lives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary out-lives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense.
Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10, 000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.
The Clintons charge the Federal government $10, 000 monthly rent for the use more...

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source).
40% - Presents.
6% - Presents with no useful functions.
4% - Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% - Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% - Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% - Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
* -Presents the recipients will really like.
3% - T-shirts with writings on them.
21% - Decorations.
6% - Christmas tree (less if you're really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year.
1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year.
2% - Christmas tree ornaments.
3% - Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because more...

My uncle Jack served in the late 60s on the aircraft carrier USS Ranger, CVA-61, in the Tonkin Gulf off the east coast of Vietnam. Having spent his youth with Ham radio, he became an electronics technician. He came aboard fresh from high school, Basic Training, and the US Navy's radio repairman's school. In the radio shop, as probably elsewhere on the ship, in the Navy, and in military life in general, life is regulated by a strict hierarchy. In small organizational units, where the hierarchy is rather flat, the pecking order must be decided by some means other than stripe count. In the Ranger's radio repair shop, the man with the least seniority was assigned to arrive earlier in the morning to make the coffee, so it would be ready by the time the rest of the crew arrived. The first morning out of port, the chief petty officer was giving him the shop tour, focusing closely on coffee-making procedures. "Ya see kid, first ya put eight scoops of coffee in da basket, den ya put da more...

There was an elderly couple who went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered. The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years. The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing. He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.
She said, ''Well, it's his turn to use the teeth.'''

Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there recommendations.
The animal psychologist went first, "If you paint the milking shed green the cows will be happier and happy cows will give more milk."
Then came the turn of the engineer. "If you narrow the milking stalls by 10 centimetres you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra cow in the same time."
Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He got out a black board and started drawing an elaberate diagram. Then he started to talk:
"First, consider the Cow as a sphere, radius r."
You probably have to have studied physics to get the joke!

God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA. H * * Human Genome * Version 2. 1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00: 00 1. 0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10: 00 1. 1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02: 11 1. 2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03: 14 1. 3 Added extra sex drive to male. h; took code from * elephant-dna. c * 0145-10-03 16: 33 1. 4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17: 20 1. 5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13: 56 1. 6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14: 04 1. 7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to more...