Facing Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!"The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is
ONE: Finding a Christmas tree.
****
TWO
----
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is my
[Husband]: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

THREE
------
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Inebriated man]: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

FOUR
-----
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Frustrated man]: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FIVE
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The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

SIX
---
The sixth more...

During the French Revolution a priest, a lawyer and a technician were lined up at the guillotine to be beheaded. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.

The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I''ll look up, so I can see where I''m going." They placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the priest, so they let him go, thinking it was a miracle.

The lawyer thought, "Well if it worked for the priest, it might work for me," so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the lawyer, who claimed he can''t be executed twice for the same crime, so they let him go.

The technician thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, "Wait a minute! If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing more...

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: more...

Police gaffe makes Muslims pray in wrong direction



A Dutch police station trying to help Muslim detainees face Mecca for their prayers painted arrows in cells pointing in the wrong direction...Muslims pray five times a day, facing east in the direction of Mecca. But the arrows in Segbroek pointed west.

"This is a really gigantic, stupid blunder," a police spokesman told the De Telegraaf. "The faulty compass marks have been immediately corrected. It is a mystery for us how this could have possibly happened".

I think Theo Van Gogh was just having some fun.

Regardless, what does it matter if they're facing eastward or westward? As long as they pray downwards, they're facing their paradise.

(Well, since there seems to be a plethora of Soviet jokes anyway...
This one was told to me by a Russian.)
It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine
whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the
designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each
was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed.
The leaders shook hands.
Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks,
facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise more...

On a sheet of paper, draw a picture of a pig.
Do your best.
Then scroll down and read the rest of this message.
Don't cheat, because if you do it won't work.
Draw the pig first and just follow the instructions, it won't take but a minute.
Have fun. This is quite interesting! You must not scroll down until you have drawn the pig.
Draw your picture. No cheating now. You will find this veryinteresting if you draw your picture first!
***
YOU'RE CHEATING! DRAW THE FRIGGIN PIG!!!
IT RUINS THE JOKE IF YOU DON'T DRAW THE PIG. IT
DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK GOOD. JUST DO IT. IT'LL TAKE 20 SECONDS.
YOU'LL BE SORRY IF YOU DIDN'T DRAW THE PIG.
***
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.
If the pig is drawn:
Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.
Facing more...