Fail Jokes / Recent Jokes

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside just hollering to get out?
Well, now you CAN be a redneck!
You will only have to purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That's all you will need to start!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive with an important professional job; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.
FIRST, untie and remove more...

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.

3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least more...

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do
more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off more...

The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler."
it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and
soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly
offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular
nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some
of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of
political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...
Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy "Schickelgruber" to boring "Hitler"
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the more...