"40 ways women fail in bed" joke

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.

3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.

5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.

6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.

9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.

10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?

13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.

22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.

24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.

26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.

27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.

28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.

29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.

30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's Anal region.

31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.

32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.

33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.

34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.

35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.

36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.

37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.

38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.

40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat shows or gardening programmes to be watched. Feel free to forward it to any female you know!