Fall Jokes / Recent Jokes

A very British one:
0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.
6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7. Send more...

Q. How do you circumcise a redneck??
A. Punch his sister in the jaw!!
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings??
A. A walk!!
Q. What's brown and sticky??
A. A stick!!
Q. Why did the cow roll down the hill??
A. Because it had no legs!!
Q. Why did the fly drown??
A. It couldn't swim!!
Q. Why did the boy fall off his bike??
A. Because someone threw a fridge at him!!
Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing??
A. He had no arms!!
Q. What do you call a man with no legs??
A. Stumpy!!
Q. What do you call him in the leaves??
A. Russel!!
Q. What do you call him in the pool??
A. Bob!!
Q. What do you call him in the rabbit hole??
A. Warren!!
Q. What do you call him with a bird on his head??
A. Cliff!!
Q. What do you call him with a shovel??
A. Doug!!
Q. What do you call him without a shovel??
A. Douglas!!

A woman who ignored doctors and had a fly puff in a hospital ward while visiting a sick friend fell out of a window.
German Inge Brunner lost her balance while puffing out of the window and plunged 65 feet.
But she escaped serious injury after an ash tree (Ash tree? How very apropos... MM) broke her fall.
The 25-year-old was able to walk back inside the hospital (VERY convenient place to fall off a window...) in Tuebingen where she was treated for cuts and bruises.
Afterwards she vowed: "I'm going to give up smoking straight away. I had asked the doctors if I could smoke inside and they said no as it was bad for my health.
"I ignored them and decided to smoke out the window so no one would know, but lost my balance.
"But I have learned my lesson. No more cigarettes for me."
(Source: Daily Record and Sunday Mail, Wednesday, 7/18/01)

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar. “This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before. ” he says to the guy next to him. “Oh, really? ” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar. ” “Why is that” the first guy asks. “Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic. ” “Gee, that’s amazing! ” says the first guy. “Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you, and you’re pushed back up. ” “No way! That’s impossible. ” the guy scoffs “Not at all. Take a look” the other man replies and with that, he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls more...

Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.

The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More.

Annoy People

1. Pay tolls with $100 bills

2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.

8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom

10. Chew other people's pencils

11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

12. Wear large hats during the movies

13. Touch strangers

14. Tell little children the truth about Santa more...

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS: "Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another more...