Fall Jokes / Recent Jokes

Deer hunting season is coming up... Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.

1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am -' 'Click''.
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison more...

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On theirwedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her newgroom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How canthat be? You've been married twice..."The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was apsychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to dowas............. Oh God, I miss him!"

Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. . That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE more...

I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to more...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't
really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, more...

Q. Why did the 1st koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because the first koala knocked it out on his way down.

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."(Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."(Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."(Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."(Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's more...