Family Jokes / Recent Jokes

Prison life versus a full-time jobIn prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. Work jokes you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. Work jokes you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. Work jokes you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. Work jokes you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. Work jokes you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. Work jokes you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet. Work jokes you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. Work jokes you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. Work more...

This year, our family is breaking with our usual tradition.
We always serve a Christmas swan because it's so much fun to watch the kids fight over the neck. This year we're having a California Condor-it tastes just like spotted owl. The bird is going to be stuffed with sausage made from baby seals. We all have to bring our own baseball bats in order to club the seals that will be made into stuffing. Best of all, this year it's my turn to OJ the bird. As a present, I'm giving my nephew a Milli Vanilli doll. You press a button and Teddy Ruxbin sings.
HAPPY HOLIDAY TO ALL!

I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.
Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party."

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: Hed just signed up at an army recruiters office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation."Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didnt really do that, did you?""Im positive youd never get through basic training" scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same more...

Lynne Spears is planning to write a book called "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" about raising her family in the media spotlight. Chapter 1: Don't Listen to Anything I Say.

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