Farted Jokes / Recent Jokes

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.
So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at more...

There were 2 gays in a shower. They were doing it and then the door bell rang.
Steve: That's the door, I gotta go answer it.
Rob: Okay honey, jus don't keep me waitin!
Steve: Okay, I will be right back. Don't cum until I get back.
Rob: Okay sexy!
Steve goes to answer the door and noones there. So he walks back to shower, and to his disappoinentment there is cum all over one side of the bathroom.
Steve: I told you not to cum!
Rob: I didn't. I farted.

Shaggy, Shania Twain, and Brittney Spears were in an elevator. Someone farted. Shaggy said, It Wasnt Me, Shania said, That Dont Impress Me Much, and Brittney said, Oops I Did It Again!
The next day they entered the elevator again. Someone farted. Shaggy said, It Wasnt Me, Shania said, That Dont Impress Me Much, and Brittney said, Stronger Than Yesterday!

Once there was a princess, she was like the princess of the universe or something. Any way there were 3 men and they all wanted to marry the princess. The king did not like the 3 men, so the king made the men a deal. He told them whoever can make it across the desert without the’re camal farting can marry the princess. The first man almost makes it then his camel farted.
The second man was onely 1 inch away then his camel farted. Then the third man made it. When the king asked him how he did it he said “ME NO CHINEES ME NO DUM ME STICK CORK UP CAMEL’S BUM”

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a madding passion for Chile. He loved them, but he always has an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to it. Then one day, he met a young woman and fell in love with her. When evidently they would marry, he thought to himself, she is so sweet and gentle. She will never go for this kind of carrying on. Therefore, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the chile. They married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly cooked chile and corn bread was overwhelming.
Since he had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off the effects before reaching home. Therefore, he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving the cafe, he had eaten three LARGE orders of chile with corn bread. All the way home he farted and more...

THESE ARE REAL NOTES FROM A REAL CHILLI COOK OFF
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: more...

One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!" in response David replied, "You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." "Really?" said Jim "That's what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?" Said David "Sure, hell I'll try anything once!" Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said. About that time his telephone rang. "Hello?" Jim Said "Hello Jim? Came the reply more...