Fear Jokes / Recent Jokes

Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2006 & 2007. Because of your kindness and advice.
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will more...

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to
the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the
pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight more...

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you will grow out of?
Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex? Maybe you just need a positive gay experience?
Heterosexuals have histories of failures in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned heterosexual out of fear of rejection?
If you never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer that?
If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you leave me alone, but why do so many heterosexuals try to seduce others into that orientation?
If you should choose to nurture children, would you want them to be hetero-sexual, more...

> Lufthansa - Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from
> the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we
> have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the
> ocean" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation
> but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency
> and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the
> non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers
> are on
> the right side of the plane" After this announcement all
> the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's
> request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
> The captain once again made an annoucement:"Ladies and Gentlemen we
> have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers more...

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
~~~
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"
N? xon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took more...

"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":
Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with more...