Feast Jokes / Recent Jokes

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided
to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from
the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the
turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish
game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in
the oven.
When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving
spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little
bird!
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah ---- Feast
Tzom Gedalia ----- Fast
Yom Kippur ------- More fasting
Sukkot ----------- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah ---- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan - No feasts or fasts for a whole month.
Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah --------- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet --- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ------ Feast
Fast of Esther --- Fast
Purim ------------ Eat pastry
Passover --------- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot ---------- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz --- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Nine days -------- Don't eat meat.
Might be OK to eat cheescake or blintzes.
Tish B'Av -------- Very strict fast
(don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ---- End of cycle.

Beowulf

See Grendel. See Grendel eat. Eat, Grendel, eat. Grendel is eating a few Danish for breakfast. Grendel especially likes the ones with the yellow coating on top. This is good because there are so many of them. Yummy!

See Hrothgar. He is sad. Sad, sad, sad. His warriors are leaving. They are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends. They do not want to play with Grendel anymore because Grendel is mean.

Hrothgar is also sad because his food is almost gone. Grendel eats the cows and pigs and horsies, too. Grendel is very hungry. Eat, Grendel, eat.

Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining. Whine, wife, whine. Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three days now. Drink, Hrothgar, drink. Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor Hrothgar.

See Beowulf. He is big and strong and handsome. He has long viking braids and pointy horns on his hat [cultural misconception but amusing nonetheless] and more...