Fed Jokes / Recent Jokes
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh... he is breast fed!", replied the woman." Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"
Stray cats will not be fed.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114. 99 sisal rope scratching post with three perches.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in our bed.
Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.
Stray cats will not more...
One day Luke gets fed up with life as a farmer so he goes to see Old Ben the local magician.
Luke: Ben I'm really fed up being a farmer can you turn me into something else?
Ben: Like what?
Luke: Well I guess it would be cool to be a Dewback.
Ben: Ok but only if you're sure.
Luke: I'm sure all right but let me go off and have one last drink as a human.
Luke goes off to have his drink.
Owen and Beru are getting worried so they go and see Old Ben to see if he knows where Luke is.
Owen: Hey Ben have you seen Luke today?
Ben: Yes. he's gone for a drink but he won't be Dewback until later.
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examined and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she said, "I'm his aunt. But I'm glad I came."
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
* When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite more...
Humans:
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Good-bye
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
Cats:
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) more...
THE ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such more...