Feel Jokes / Recent Jokes

Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer, so -
Do you have a piece of gum?

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says. "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

A pert and attractive nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you have to help me," she said. Every time I date one of the young physicians here, I end up going to bed with him. Afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for days."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And, I supposed you want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve this matter."
"Heavens, NO!" she exclaimed. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."

Submitted by Darcy

I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around.

Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on.

Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.

'Pardon me,' she said,' I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.'

'I'm very sorry,' I said to her,' Is there anything I can do for you?'

'Yes,' she said,' As I'm leaving, can you say' Good bye, Mother? It would make me feel so much better.'

'Sure,' I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out,' Goodbye, Mother!'

As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $127. 50.

'How can that be?' I asked,' I only purchased a few things!'

'Your mother said that you would pay for her,' more...

How does your head feel today?
As good as new.
It should be as good as new - it's never been used.

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic." The priest said, "But that`s not a sin! I wouldn`t feel bad about that if I were you!" "But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed." The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn`t the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don`t worry about it too much; God forgives." The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"